At approximately 8:45 pm on January 1, 2021 George Jasinek passed away after a two year battle with soft tissue sarcoma. George and his wife, Mary, were married for 46 years at the time of his death. The following memorial was written by George’s wife one year after he passed.
You think it will never happen. You think you’ll go on living with your loved one by your side forever. Then the unthinkable happens. Suddenly, what was once two is now one. What do I do? I’ve been half of two for 46 years. Now it’s up to me to navigate life on my own. Me, a senior aged 70, and I’m now trying to figure out how (why?) to go on.
The funeral was a blur. People, condolences, flowers, cards. Reliving the night he passed is still too raw and painful for me to think about. Maybe someday; but not yet. Gradually everyone returns to their daily routine except me. The celebration of life is over and now it’s time to move forward. I refuse to use the term ‘new normal’. There is nothing normal about my life now.
So after tidying up financials and endless miscellaneous tasks, I look up and say ‘Now what’? Do I crawl into bed and never leave? Do I go out and try to find a job? What about volunteering? It’s up to me to try to carve out a life that I never wanted. Try this, try that. Nothing feels right. All I want is for my husband to be with me and for things to return to how they once were.
But I know that can’t happen. So I move forward, checking all the boxes the ‘experts’ say to do: Get out of the house every day, create a new routine, meet people, help others, get help for yourself. It’s been over a year and I’m still lost and still in pain. When will that end? (I’m assuming never.) It’s just something I’ll learn to live with.
So I carry on and invest in life. There must be some reason I’m still here. I have a devoted family that surrounds me with love when I’m too consumed with grief to function on my own. I have two white labs that were given to my husband as a birthday gift shortly before he passed. It’s for them that I try. Someday I hope it will be for me that I try.